The Week That Never Ends

This is one of those weeks that feels like it is just never going to end. But then I realized… This week is just a continuation of all the same issues from last week, which had bled over from the week before.

Usually, especially where work is involved, if I have a problem, I take care of it, it’s done. I don’t see the name again for a few weeks. The last two weeks, I’ve been trying to solve two specific cases where the people with whom I’m working either aren’t listening to what I’m saying, or they think they know the situation better than I do. Now I’ll be the first to tell you, I’m still learning. I do not know everything. But if I am working on something, actively, for a long period of time, you can bet your ass, I’m going to know everything of which I’m capable related to the issue at hand.

On top of all that frustration, I’ve been not doing very well with my homework from my therapist. Actually, with the exception of not taking tape measurements over the weekend, and – okay – I did manage to go a whole day without tracking my calories on Sunday. Those are both victories.

*Breathe*

Okay. I’ve been doing a decent job of following my homework. And while I recognize that, it just doesn’t really seem to be helping my thinking process, or the way I’ve felt about myself. Boy, I wouldn’t say half the things that have gone through my head about my worst enemy. So why do I think them about myself? Why is it so hard to just love myself? Or, at the very least, tolerate me.

Tomorrow is Friday. And then I get to have a wonderful weekend with my wonderful babies. And I will re-find my center. This is good. It will end.

Here’s To Trying

I was at work on Friday, and my boyfriend was anticipating father’s day weekend with me and his son when he messaged me, “bring a swimsuit”.

Last year, we went to Ocean City, and I had purchased 2 new bikinis in anticipation for that trip. And I had gotten small in anticipation for that trip. I am not quite as small now, so the mere thought of myself wearing those instantly drove my anxiety through the roof.

Something that I find particularly bothersome in society right now is the “body positivity” movement. The main pain point for me there is that everyone is telling everyone else that it’s okay to look this way or that way…. But I was raised to believe that the only opinion that really matters is your own. And in my opinion, I should not be wearing a swimsuit – let alone a bikini.

I packed the damn thing anyway. And not my high-waisted one. (My boyfriend thinks it covers too much of my body and I don’t need to) Either luckily for me, or unfortunately, depending on how you look at it, the weather was not cooperative for such ventures.

However, now that summer is here and swimsuit season is actually upon us… I feel the need to pay more attention to junk I put in my body. It’s been through some junk this weekend, for sure. Ugh. Trying to find a balance…. That’s the difficult part. Here’s to trying.

Small Victories

I got new homework for the next two weeks. We’ve started moving away from the easier things, and we’re starting to tackle some of the more difficult things.

One of the things that I find more problematic is when I have a weekend that I’m with my boyfriend and his son. We tend to go out to eat, and when it comes to restaurants…. I tend to freak out.

Last night, we went to a new place, because my boyfriend wanted me to experience the gyros that he knows are really good, since the last gyros we had were mediocre at best.

The gyros were incredible. We also had salads to start, and it came with a plate of fries.

One of my homework assignments is that I agreed not to log my calories one day out of the week.

I managed to eat my entire gyro, the side salad, and almost half of the fries. It felt like a lot. And when we got home, I weighed myself… And I had gained 5 pounds since the afternoon. That is when I broke down and added everything to my calorie log.

The important takeaway for me is that I managed to go, eat without logging first, and eating until I was actually full. Also recognizing that this morning, I am four pounds lighter than last night, and my metabolism has done its job.

I see that as a victory. Today is a new day that I can try to avoid logging. And it’s not the end of the world if I gain a little bit of weight. It will go back away. I can do this.

Pizza Day

Today is Pizza day in the office. I love pizza. And here I sit, smelling everyone around me eating it. I don’t always avoid it. When I am in my ‘healthy’ phase of my cycle, I have no problem having some pizza and some salad. Now is not one of those phases. And it royally sucks.

I walked past it. I contemplated it. Maybe just half a slice. But I think back to last week when I put salad in my bowl… and I threw it away because the texture was off after one bite.

Sometimes I wonder why is it so fucking difficult for me to just enjoy food all the time? I have my weeks where I feel like I’m actually ‘normal’, and I listen to my body. When can I make that my life? Is that even a possibility at this point, or have I completely fucked myself over?

I can always hope that next pizza day, I will enjoy it.