Struggles

This weekend was a nice balance of hanging out, working hard, and having fun. It was not, however, conducive to my progress.

I had a great night Saturday. I had a nice little tuna cake burrito. It was fab. I snacked on some carrot sticks with peanut butter and ranch after the kids went to bed. It was wonderful and delicious, and I didn’t feel horrible afterwards.

Then there was yesterday. I was doing a bit of early summer cleaning, organizing, getting rid of things. Then I took the kiddos to the mall for a bit, had some fun. We went out to eat lunch, and I had some coffee, thinking “I’m not hungry yet, but I’ll eat a good dinner”. Then there was more cleaning to do when I got home, and getting dinner ready for the kids, and getting them ready for bed, then my shower… then it was 10 o’clock and by boyfriend was home.

I feel like I’ve taken a full step back. And I find that disappointing. But now all I need to do is take two steps forward, right? Get back on track. That can’t be too hard. I just have to keep my head up, and one foot in front of the other. Easy peasy….

If you couldn’t tell by now, a lot of this blog is me trying to implement the old tried and true method of – “if I talk like I mean it, some day it will be true”. Let me tell you what. I talk a big talk. I always have. I’m very good at convincing people to love themselves the way they are, and that they are beautiful just the way they are. And I’m great at saying that I’m perfectly fine, and people believe me. But not one time have I convinced myself that I’m telling the truth. I used to say “Fake it ’till you make it, and one day, you won’t have to fake it anymore”. I’m not so sure I agree with that anymore.

But here I am, trying to convince myself that I’m strong, that I can do this. That I’m capable of letting go of this crutch that has carried me through my life. But am I really? Or am I just faking it again, and this time I’m actually trying to believe my own lies. I’m not quite sure yet. But I don’t have much of a choice right now but to at least try.

Slippery Slope

This is a wonderful, glorious weekend where I have nothing to do except for spend time hanging out with the kids and relax. My boyfriend is at his home this weekend with his son, so it’s just me and the kiddos.

There’s only one problem. I was so excited to have an evening with just the kids last night, and they had eaten dinner before I picked them up. So aside from the three bites of my work snack before deciding the cheese had warmed up too much to be good and ditching it back in the refrigerator, I didn’t eat anything yesterday.

Now I’m at a point where I so easily find myself. I’m not hungry. Nothing sounds good. And I have no motivation to eat. Here I am, trying to get better, trying to become healthy, and I have one day where I don’t eat… and I feel like I’m right back at square one. If anything, this just makes me want to work out. I love the feeling of my muscles working off the excess weight I’ve been carrying around the last week on an empty stomach. Nothing else to weigh me down.

I’ve recognized this as dangerous territory. This is where, in the past, I would just go with it, and not really worry about the fact that my body had absolutely nothing to fuel it but caffeine and nicotine. I would just embrace it as starting my new cycle. But because I’m trying to break that cycle, I recognize that I need to eat something. I need to eat something before I become terrified to put anything into my body again…which happens at an alarming rate.

I also recognize that it would be so easy to just… not. That, I think is one of the hardest and scariest parts of all this. I know that I would be completely fine going another two days without eating, and everything would be hunky dory. But I’m not trying to get better because it’s easy. And I made a commitment to myself when I started being open about this and going to therapy. I am NOT a quitter. And I don’t take the easy way out. So damnit, I’m going to find something, anything, that I will eat for dinner tonight. Even if it’s something small. Before I slide all the way down that hill.

Small Victories

I got new homework for the next two weeks. We’ve started moving away from the easier things, and we’re starting to tackle some of the more difficult things.

One of the things that I find more problematic is when I have a weekend that I’m with my boyfriend and his son. We tend to go out to eat, and when it comes to restaurants…. I tend to freak out.

Last night, we went to a new place, because my boyfriend wanted me to experience the gyros that he knows are really good, since the last gyros we had were mediocre at best.

The gyros were incredible. We also had salads to start, and it came with a plate of fries.

One of my homework assignments is that I agreed not to log my calories one day out of the week.

I managed to eat my entire gyro, the side salad, and almost half of the fries. It felt like a lot. And when we got home, I weighed myself… And I had gained 5 pounds since the afternoon. That is when I broke down and added everything to my calorie log.

The important takeaway for me is that I managed to go, eat without logging first, and eating until I was actually full. Also recognizing that this morning, I am four pounds lighter than last night, and my metabolism has done its job.

I see that as a victory. Today is a new day that I can try to avoid logging. And it’s not the end of the world if I gain a little bit of weight. It will go back away. I can do this.