Tag: Inner Dialogue

Here’s To Trying

I was at work on Friday, and my boyfriend was anticipating father’s day weekend with me and his son when he messaged me, “bring a swimsuit”.

Last year, we went to Ocean City, and I had purchased 2 new bikinis in anticipation for that trip. And I had gotten small in anticipation for that trip. I am not quite as small now, so the mere thought of myself wearing those instantly drove my anxiety through the roof.

Something that I find particularly bothersome in society right now is the “body positivity” movement. The main pain point for me there is that everyone is telling everyone else that it’s okay to look this way or that way…. But I was raised to believe that the only opinion that really matters is your own. And in my opinion, I should not be wearing a swimsuit – let alone a bikini.

I packed the damn thing anyway. And not my high-waisted one. (My boyfriend thinks it covers too much of my body and I don’t need to) Either luckily for me, or unfortunately, depending on how you look at it, the weather was not cooperative for such ventures.

However, now that summer is here and swimsuit season is actually upon us… I feel the need to pay more attention to junk I put in my body. It’s been through some junk this weekend, for sure. Ugh. Trying to find a balance…. That’s the difficult part. Here’s to trying.

Burden

I absolutely HATE being a burden on other people. I understand that there are people to whom I can talk, and those to whom I can’t. A lot of times, I rely on the people who can’t understand why I need to talk… – which is stupid of me.

I have a very close personal circle. Two girl friends and whoever their dating at the time, and my boyfriend. Everyone else in whom I confide is pretty much ancillary in my life until I decide to make them a deciding factor on one thing or another which no one close to me can understand.

Regardless…. I start to feel like a burden. Whether it’s on my personal friends, my co-workers… Because I’m not 100% honest…. about anything. And when I try to be honest… they think I’m kidding – and with that, I try to roll. Any excuse for me to be in denial.

Actually, a huge reason why I started this site…this blog?…this thing. . . was because I just wanted a space to be open without causing distress on my friends/family/normal life people.

If you’re reading this, and you feel the same way… feel free to reach out. Sometimes it takes a stranger to know a stranger..

If you’re in no way related to this, and you ask a loved one you fear is going through the same thing… good luck, and be patient. Eating disorders like to hide in the darkest recesses of the brain, and denial is their best friend. But don’t give up, just be gentle.