The Little Things

I’ve noticed that a lot of my posts are quite negative. Even when I am trying to do my best to encourage myself, mostly around the end, that I’m doing alright.

This morning, I had a particularly difficult time with the dress I had picked out to wear. I even have three outfits still laying on my bed as alternatives, because I really was not feeling my outfit for the day at all. To be honest, I’m still really not feeling it.

I asked my boyfriend if my dress looked weird, as it hangs differently at certain parts that I’m really not used to clothes bunching. He assured me, more than once, that the dress is indeed cut weirdly, and it has a few bunching issues. He also said I looked fantastic, and that it wasn’t me – it’s the dress. Now, that didn’t fully reassure me, and I’m still having some issues with the way I feel in this dress. But I will say, it made me feel better to hear him say that. The fact that it wasn’t all in my head was a great relief.

I’ve come to terms with the fact that there is no possible way to explain to him the way I feel about my body and the way I look. There is no way for me to expect him to understand. But I have noticed that he really seems to be trying to reassure me when I need him to. He believes me when I tell him how poorly I feel. And that wouldn’t be the case if I didn’t come out and tell him that sometimes, I need a little extra encouragement. He’s always thought that I’m just really hard on myself. But now that I’m opening up to him about my therapy, and some of the issues that I’ve kept locked away, I think that he’s really trying to understand and take it seriously – take me seriously. And that is a really important aspect of our relationship.

So. The last few weeks have been a little difficult. I’ve slipped up a little, and maybe moved in the wrong direction. But – and this time I really mean it – that doesn’t mean that I can’t move in the right direction. Maybe I do need to be a little less hard on myself. It may not be the only way to rectify my situation, but accepting that it’s okay to default as long as I don’t get stuck there is a big deal.

I know that right now, it feels like a never-ending battle. It feels like I’m treading water, not making any progress. Like any time I do move, it’s backwards. But I’ve taken some huge steps. There are a lot of things that I’m taking on, and I’m not failing at all of them. And that, in my book, is enough of a victory for now. It’s the little things in life that really make a difference. and each little baby step that I take toward changing and being healthy is actually a huge step toward accomplishing that goal.

Here’s To Trying

I was at work on Friday, and my boyfriend was anticipating father’s day weekend with me and his son when he messaged me, “bring a swimsuit”.

Last year, we went to Ocean City, and I had purchased 2 new bikinis in anticipation for that trip. And I had gotten small in anticipation for that trip. I am not quite as small now, so the mere thought of myself wearing those instantly drove my anxiety through the roof.

Something that I find particularly bothersome in society right now is the “body positivity” movement. The main pain point for me there is that everyone is telling everyone else that it’s okay to look this way or that way…. But I was raised to believe that the only opinion that really matters is your own. And in my opinion, I should not be wearing a swimsuit – let alone a bikini.

I packed the damn thing anyway. And not my high-waisted one. (My boyfriend thinks it covers too much of my body and I don’t need to) Either luckily for me, or unfortunately, depending on how you look at it, the weather was not cooperative for such ventures.

However, now that summer is here and swimsuit season is actually upon us… I feel the need to pay more attention to junk I put in my body. It’s been through some junk this weekend, for sure. Ugh. Trying to find a balance…. That’s the difficult part. Here’s to trying.

Small Victories

I got new homework for the next two weeks. We’ve started moving away from the easier things, and we’re starting to tackle some of the more difficult things.

One of the things that I find more problematic is when I have a weekend that I’m with my boyfriend and his son. We tend to go out to eat, and when it comes to restaurants…. I tend to freak out.

Last night, we went to a new place, because my boyfriend wanted me to experience the gyros that he knows are really good, since the last gyros we had were mediocre at best.

The gyros were incredible. We also had salads to start, and it came with a plate of fries.

One of my homework assignments is that I agreed not to log my calories one day out of the week.

I managed to eat my entire gyro, the side salad, and almost half of the fries. It felt like a lot. And when we got home, I weighed myself… And I had gained 5 pounds since the afternoon. That is when I broke down and added everything to my calorie log.

The important takeaway for me is that I managed to go, eat without logging first, and eating until I was actually full. Also recognizing that this morning, I am four pounds lighter than last night, and my metabolism has done its job.

I see that as a victory. Today is a new day that I can try to avoid logging. And it’s not the end of the world if I gain a little bit of weight. It will go back away. I can do this.

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Sick Enough

So here I am. Making a public blog about something about which I may still be in denial. Totally normal. No one at my job knows. A grand total of three people in my personal life know. And now, anyone who reads this will know. I, Vim, have an Eating Disorder. I have been diagnosed with Atypical Anorexia Nervosa. For anyone who doesn’t know what that is… it’s Anorexia Nervosa that hides inside the brain – never quite ‘bad enough’ to be a ‘real problem’. At least… that’s what I’ve told myself for the past 15 years of my life, and what I still find myself thinking a majority of the time.

I mean… How ‘sick’ can I really be if I made it to 26 without being diagnosed? I’ve never really been UNDER weight, so I can’t possibly have an Eating Disorder… But here I am. I talked to my doctor about my concerns over my eating habits after my kidney health declined over the last year, and now my liver is taking a bit of a hit. Did I mention I’m only 26? That is not normal, and neither is the way my brain thinks.

I like to think of myself as a relatively intelligent person. I know the logistics behind the right way to lose weight and exercise. But for some reason… my brain just sometimes seems to hit a wall. I understand not eating is not good. I know that in order to burn calories, I need to eat calories. But I also know that when I start working out, I will see a more immediate result if I don’t eat as much. There’s still some logic to that statement. That logic goes away when I don’t eat ENOUGH.

So Here I am. One day closer to being healthy. One day closer to accepting that I do have a problem. I will have set backs. It will not happen over night. But I am here. And I’d like to stick around for a bit.