Here’s To Trying

I was at work on Friday, and my boyfriend was anticipating father’s day weekend with me and his son when he messaged me, “bring a swimsuit”.

Last year, we went to Ocean City, and I had purchased 2 new bikinis in anticipation for that trip. And I had gotten small in anticipation for that trip. I am not quite as small now, so the mere thought of myself wearing those instantly drove my anxiety through the roof.

Something that I find particularly bothersome in society right now is the “body positivity” movement. The main pain point for me there is that everyone is telling everyone else that it’s okay to look this way or that way…. But I was raised to believe that the only opinion that really matters is your own. And in my opinion, I should not be wearing a swimsuit – let alone a bikini.

I packed the damn thing anyway. And not my high-waisted one. (My boyfriend thinks it covers too much of my body and I don’t need to) Either luckily for me, or unfortunately, depending on how you look at it, the weather was not cooperative for such ventures.

However, now that summer is here and swimsuit season is actually upon us… I feel the need to pay more attention to junk I put in my body. It’s been through some junk this weekend, for sure. Ugh. Trying to find a balance…. That’s the difficult part. Here’s to trying.

Burden

I absolutely HATE being a burden on other people. I understand that there are people to whom I can talk, and those to whom I can’t. A lot of times, I rely on the people who can’t understand why I need to talk… – which is stupid of me.

I have a very close personal circle. Two girl friends and whoever their dating at the time, and my boyfriend. Everyone else in whom I confide is pretty much ancillary in my life until I decide to make them a deciding factor on one thing or another which no one close to me can understand.

Regardless…. I start to feel like a burden. Whether it’s on my personal friends, my co-workers… Because I’m not 100% honest…. about anything. And when I try to be honest… they think I’m kidding – and with that, I try to roll. Any excuse for me to be in denial.

Actually, a huge reason why I started this site…this blog?…this thing. . . was because I just wanted a space to be open without causing distress on my friends/family/normal life people.

If you’re reading this, and you feel the same way… feel free to reach out. Sometimes it takes a stranger to know a stranger..

If you’re in no way related to this, and you ask a loved one you fear is going through the same thing… good luck, and be patient. Eating disorders like to hide in the darkest recesses of the brain, and denial is their best friend. But don’t give up, just be gentle.

Denial

What a dirty word. Denial. In the back of my head, I know beyond the shadow of a doubt that it’s true. Every time I’ve thought to myself, “Hey, Vim. I think you could probably use some help.”, I kick myself in the ass and say back, “Believe me. I’ve got this! I am so strong, and I’ve taken care of myself my whole life. Why would I need help with something like this?”

-DENIAL

You know what is NOT a dirty word? Help. Accepting that there is something in your life that you thought you had 100% control over, and realizing that that control… is what’s slowly killing you.

Food has given me control over my life. Anything and everything around me that I have no control over. But I have the willpower to deny my BODY something it NEEDS in order to LIVE. Now THAT is control.

-DENIAL

But I have periods of time when I let go. When I indulge in something that I’ve been wanting to eat for the last 6 months but haven’t allowed myself to because it just wasn’t in the cards. I can’t possibly have an actual disorder if I have periods of time when I can just ‘let go’, even when everything seems to be falling apart around me. If that were the case, people would take notice, and show concern over the appearance of my body, right?

This isn’t a problem. This cycle will not start over.

-DENIAL

I just need to find a healthy balance. Between eating too much, and not enough. That should be easy, right? I can do that by myself.

-DENILE

I will get to a point. Where I’m okay with not being okay. It’s just not today. And that is okay.