Lost Cause

I had an appointment with my therapist yesterday. She mentioned to me that body image and eating habits could take a lifetime to change, and she wants to give me the tools necessary to be my own therapist. She wants to make our meetings less frequent soon, and then just do follow-up appointments every once in a while following that.

I feel like she is breaking up with me. Like my problems can’t be that bad if she doesn’t think I need to meet with her. Which takes me right back to the place of “I’m making this into more than it really needs to be”. When I mentioned this thought to one of my best friends, he said, “Well don’t you think you might be?”.

I want to give up. I want to ignore that anything is even happening. I want to go back to the place where I didn’t talk about anything that was going on with me, and pretend like everything is okay like I’ve done for my entire life. This hasn’t been a problem until now. . .why make it into more than it is?

I feel like I just need to put my big girl pants back on, turn around, and forget that I ever entertained this idea.

But I’m not a quitter. I need to just put one foot in front of the other, and keep moving.

Slippery Slope

This is a wonderful, glorious weekend where I have nothing to do except for spend time hanging out with the kids and relax. My boyfriend is at his home this weekend with his son, so it’s just me and the kiddos.

There’s only one problem. I was so excited to have an evening with just the kids last night, and they had eaten dinner before I picked them up. So aside from the three bites of my work snack before deciding the cheese had warmed up too much to be good and ditching it back in the refrigerator, I didn’t eat anything yesterday.

Now I’m at a point where I so easily find myself. I’m not hungry. Nothing sounds good. And I have no motivation to eat. Here I am, trying to get better, trying to become healthy, and I have one day where I don’t eat… and I feel like I’m right back at square one. If anything, this just makes me want to work out. I love the feeling of my muscles working off the excess weight I’ve been carrying around the last week on an empty stomach. Nothing else to weigh me down.

I’ve recognized this as dangerous territory. This is where, in the past, I would just go with it, and not really worry about the fact that my body had absolutely nothing to fuel it but caffeine and nicotine. I would just embrace it as starting my new cycle. But because I’m trying to break that cycle, I recognize that I need to eat something. I need to eat something before I become terrified to put anything into my body again…which happens at an alarming rate.

I also recognize that it would be so easy to just… not. That, I think is one of the hardest and scariest parts of all this. I know that I would be completely fine going another two days without eating, and everything would be hunky dory. But I’m not trying to get better because it’s easy. And I made a commitment to myself when I started being open about this and going to therapy. I am NOT a quitter. And I don’t take the easy way out. So damnit, I’m going to find something, anything, that I will eat for dinner tonight. Even if it’s something small. Before I slide all the way down that hill.

Everything Sucks

Today is a bitch day. Where I just NEED to get everything out of my system.

I. Feel. Disgusting. In every facet of the word. I feel sick to my stomach. I feel like my entire body looks like misshapen pizza dough. And now that I think of it, I’ve felt that way pretty much all weekend. I don’t remember what my weight was this morning… and THAT terrifies me. Last night I was up a bit, and it would have maybe calmed me at least knowing what my weight is.

My boyfriend pointed out a woman at the park during my lunch break. I told him she looks tiny, to which he replied, “That is what you look like.” I didn’t believe him. Today, I feel particularly large. I almost felt like he was trying to prank me… but I think even he knows better than that.

It has just been a particularly rough day. Work is going well. Life in general is pretty fantastic… I just don’t have the energy to deal with my brain at the moment. I can’t look at myself without being disgusted at what I’m seeing.

If I had one wish, and I truly mean this, I would wish that no one would ever have to feel the way I feel about myself, about themselves. I know that I’m not the only person out there that has to constantly battle the thoughts in their head – far from it – but I really wish no one would ever have to feel that way. It’s really not a great feeling. I want to crawl in a whole, lie in a ball, and go to sleep. Just hibernate.

Here’s To Trying

I was at work on Friday, and my boyfriend was anticipating father’s day weekend with me and his son when he messaged me, “bring a swimsuit”.

Last year, we went to Ocean City, and I had purchased 2 new bikinis in anticipation for that trip. And I had gotten small in anticipation for that trip. I am not quite as small now, so the mere thought of myself wearing those instantly drove my anxiety through the roof.

Something that I find particularly bothersome in society right now is the “body positivity” movement. The main pain point for me there is that everyone is telling everyone else that it’s okay to look this way or that way…. But I was raised to believe that the only opinion that really matters is your own. And in my opinion, I should not be wearing a swimsuit – let alone a bikini.

I packed the damn thing anyway. And not my high-waisted one. (My boyfriend thinks it covers too much of my body and I don’t need to) Either luckily for me, or unfortunately, depending on how you look at it, the weather was not cooperative for such ventures.

However, now that summer is here and swimsuit season is actually upon us… I feel the need to pay more attention to junk I put in my body. It’s been through some junk this weekend, for sure. Ugh. Trying to find a balance…. That’s the difficult part. Here’s to trying.

Atypical My Ass

Something that frustrates me the most about finally addressing my mental health is that I would absolutely LOVE to be able to just turn it off. I am on my lunch break. My routine for my lunch break is go home, check the mail, pick up my daughter from school and drop her off at daycare, then run back to work. Occasionally, I have a few extra minutes to run to the store or gas station.

Today, I have been particularly hungry. I checked the mail and went inside. Keeping in mind my next appointment is tomorrow morning, and I have homework to complete…. I figured I would look for a snack.

I looked in the cabinet. I wanted soup – too calorie dense. Peanut butter? Too many calories. I looked in the fridge. I was there, crouched in front of my refrigerator for 5 minutes… And couldn’t bring myself to actually make a decision.

I haven’t put my number for dinner into my tracker, and so everything had too many calories.

And as I sit here in my car waiting for school to dismiss for the day, I’m unhappy that I didn’t make a choice. I’m upset that I can’t just eat. Why is that so fucking hard? I mean… it’s not in theory. Just in practice.

My stomach is empty. And I should just eat. But something in my brain is preventing me from doing just that. So yes. I am suffering from an eating disorder. And progress doesn’t just happen. It takes time. It takes effort.

Today has been a bad day. But that doesn’t mean that I’ll never get there. Each day starts fresh. And tomorrow will be better. I will be stronger. And every day after that. And when I DO finally get this thing under control, I will look back at this, and be proud of getting myself away from feeling like this.

Pizza Day

Today is Pizza day in the office. I love pizza. And here I sit, smelling everyone around me eating it. I don’t always avoid it. When I am in my ‘healthy’ phase of my cycle, I have no problem having some pizza and some salad. Now is not one of those phases. And it royally sucks.

I walked past it. I contemplated it. Maybe just half a slice. But I think back to last week when I put salad in my bowl… and I threw it away because the texture was off after one bite.

Sometimes I wonder why is it so fucking difficult for me to just enjoy food all the time? I have my weeks where I feel like I’m actually ‘normal’, and I listen to my body. When can I make that my life? Is that even a possibility at this point, or have I completely fucked myself over?

I can always hope that next pizza day, I will enjoy it.