Here’s To Trying

I was at work on Friday, and my boyfriend was anticipating father’s day weekend with me and his son when he messaged me, “bring a swimsuit”.

Last year, we went to Ocean City, and I had purchased 2 new bikinis in anticipation for that trip. And I had gotten small in anticipation for that trip. I am not quite as small now, so the mere thought of myself wearing those instantly drove my anxiety through the roof.

Something that I find particularly bothersome in society right now is the “body positivity” movement. The main pain point for me there is that everyone is telling everyone else that it’s okay to look this way or that way…. But I was raised to believe that the only opinion that really matters is your own. And in my opinion, I should not be wearing a swimsuit – let alone a bikini.

I packed the damn thing anyway. And not my high-waisted one. (My boyfriend thinks it covers too much of my body and I don’t need to) Either luckily for me, or unfortunately, depending on how you look at it, the weather was not cooperative for such ventures.

However, now that summer is here and swimsuit season is actually upon us… I feel the need to pay more attention to junk I put in my body. It’s been through some junk this weekend, for sure. Ugh. Trying to find a balance…. That’s the difficult part. Here’s to trying.

Small Victories

I got new homework for the next two weeks. We’ve started moving away from the easier things, and we’re starting to tackle some of the more difficult things.

One of the things that I find more problematic is when I have a weekend that I’m with my boyfriend and his son. We tend to go out to eat, and when it comes to restaurants…. I tend to freak out.

Last night, we went to a new place, because my boyfriend wanted me to experience the gyros that he knows are really good, since the last gyros we had were mediocre at best.

The gyros were incredible. We also had salads to start, and it came with a plate of fries.

One of my homework assignments is that I agreed not to log my calories one day out of the week.

I managed to eat my entire gyro, the side salad, and almost half of the fries. It felt like a lot. And when we got home, I weighed myself… And I had gained 5 pounds since the afternoon. That is when I broke down and added everything to my calorie log.

The important takeaway for me is that I managed to go, eat without logging first, and eating until I was actually full. Also recognizing that this morning, I am four pounds lighter than last night, and my metabolism has done its job.

I see that as a victory. Today is a new day that I can try to avoid logging. And it’s not the end of the world if I gain a little bit of weight. It will go back away. I can do this.

Snack Attack

So I’m working on noticing the difference between ‘normal’ and ‘abnormal’ behavior. It is normal to crave a snack, eat that snack, be satiated, and be done. It is abnormal to crave a snack, so you find everything you possibly can, and eat it alone in bed late at night.

Last night, I had 2 pop-tarts, a caramel MilkyWay bar, a hollow bunny, some jelly beans, some milk duds, and a giant spoon full of peanut butter. Somehow, I managed to eat all of those things within a half hour, alone, in bed. That is abnormal behavior. That, my friends, is what we call a binge. Maybe not the worst binge in the entire world… but definitely a binge.

What’s even crazier in my mind (which I’m sure you’ve figured out is crazy within its own right), is when I did my morning weigh-in. I had gone DOWN two pounds. Immediately, I wanted to reach for my measuring tape… but it’s the weekend – no measuring on the weekend. Ugh.

And now… What? Where do I go from here? What I want to do is punish myself for this. *Not normal* I want to avoid eating anything today, to ‘make up’ for this. *which will lead me right back to this point* But it’s done, so I can’t go back and fix it now.

Now… what should I do? I should take into consideration that I’ve not done that in a long time, and when you deny your body some things for so long, you’ll pay for it eventually. I should understand that unhealthy snacks are actually.. okay.. in moderation every once in a while.

Maybe, I’ll have to work one ‘naughty’ food into what I allow myself to eat for a week. For me… it’s never about whether or not I want to eat sweets – I always want to eat sweets… It’s about what I allow myself to eat. THAT is what I should stop.

I am always allowed to eat.

Eating is a function that provides fuel for my body, that keeps it healthy, that keeps it running, that keeps me here. Why, since I understand the logistics so well, am I so unable to apply these things in practice? That is the part that really sucks the most in particular.