Back-Track

This past week, I’ve been trying to push myself. I ate more than I wanted to Saturday, didn’t log on Sunday – having 3 plates of food at a buffet, no less! – and I’ve been trying to keep my dinners above 500 calories.

My brain is telling me that I need to simmer down with all of this change. I’m gaining weight back. I’m becoming ‘large’. My body is jiggling in places I’d rather it not. I look disgusting, and my fat is bulging everywhere. I’m not exercising, and it’s starting to show. I can’t find any clothes that look right on me. This is not progress. I am effectively “letting myself go”.

I talked to my boyfriend about this. About feeling like all of this is more hurtful to me than helpful. That I feel so gross and unattractive. He does not think I look any different now than I did before I gained 5 pounds. In his mind, 5 pounds will melt off in a day. I do not measure any larger than I did – with the exception of on the scale. And when he looks at me, I can tell that he’s attracted to me. He has a certain way of making me feel like the most beautiful woman on the planet when he looks at me in a certain way. But then I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror… and I wonder… how? How can he make me feel this way when I look like that?

This next week, I may have to backtrack a little in order to find a bit of balance. My self-esteem this past week has been critical to say the least, and I have an event next weekend that will either boost it… or crush me entirely. I feel like if I take a few steps to make myself feel better… even if it’s just adding exercise to my extra caloric intake, or taking my dinners down a step… I think that would ensure that next weekend won’t be a catastrophe.

I need to find myself again. The person I was before I allowed this… mindset… to entirely take over who I am. I wish I could just enjoy life again, and not be in perpetual worry that whatever I’m doing is going to result in me blowing up like a balloon. And I may need to take a step back from my “progress” every once in a while to cope with certain things. But that does not mean that I will not get back on track. And I know, beyond the shadow of a doubt, that I am NOT alone.