Denial

What a dirty word. Denial. In the back of my head, I know beyond the shadow of a doubt that it’s true. Every time I’ve thought to myself, “Hey, Vim. I think you could probably use some help.”, I kick myself in the ass and say back, “Believe me. I’ve got this! I am so strong, and I’ve taken care of myself my whole life. Why would I need help with something like this?”

-DENIAL

You know what is NOT a dirty word? Help. Accepting that there is something in your life that you thought you had 100% control over, and realizing that that control… is what’s slowly killing you.

Food has given me control over my life. Anything and everything around me that I have no control over. But I have the willpower to deny my BODY something it NEEDS in order to LIVE. Now THAT is control.

-DENIAL

But I have periods of time when I let go. When I indulge in something that I’ve been wanting to eat for the last 6 months but haven’t allowed myself to because it just wasn’t in the cards. I can’t possibly have an actual disorder if I have periods of time when I can just ‘let go’, even when everything seems to be falling apart around me. If that were the case, people would take notice, and show concern over the appearance of my body, right?

This isn’t a problem. This cycle will not start over.

-DENIAL

I just need to find a healthy balance. Between eating too much, and not enough. That should be easy, right? I can do that by myself.

-DENILE

I will get to a point. Where I’m okay with not being okay. It’s just not today. And that is okay.