Sick Enough

So here I am. Making a public blog about something about which I may still be in denial. Totally normal. No one at my job knows. A grand total of three people in my personal life know. And now, anyone who reads this will know. I, Vim, have an Eating Disorder. I have been diagnosed with Atypical Anorexia Nervosa. For anyone who doesn’t know what that is… it’s Anorexia Nervosa that hides inside the brain – never quite ‘bad enough’ to be a ‘real problem’. At least… that’s what I’ve told myself for the past 15 years of my life, and what I still find myself thinking a majority of the time.

I mean… How ‘sick’ can I really be if I made it to 26 without being diagnosed? I’ve never really been UNDER weight, so I can’t possibly have an Eating Disorder… But here I am. I talked to my doctor about my concerns over my eating habits after my kidney health declined over the last year, and now my liver is taking a bit of a hit. Did I mention I’m only 26? That is not normal, and neither is the way my brain thinks.

I like to think of myself as a relatively intelligent person. I know the logistics behind the right way to lose weight and exercise. But for some reason… my brain just sometimes seems to hit a wall. I understand not eating is not good. I know that in order to burn calories, I need to eat calories. But I also know that when I start working out, I will see a more immediate result if I don’t eat as much. There’s still some logic to that statement. That logic goes away when I don’t eat ENOUGH.

So Here I am. One day closer to being healthy. One day closer to accepting that I do have a problem. I will have set backs. It will not happen over night. But I am here. And I’d like to stick around for a bit.